New plan: Buy a new barebones from Newegg that fits all the old parts. (Well, except for the video card. Since when is AGP support so hard to find? But the barebones has onboard video, and at this point, I'll happily take that.) So basically, unless my processor is the problem, this should fix it. And if my processor is the problem, then perhaps it's time for a whole new system. Sweet sweet Core 2 Duo...
Have I mentioned lately that I hate computers?